So today was spent in a park (but not before a yummy Subway Meatball Marinara)

After walking around (since it was our first time in that park) we sat down. It was at this point i realised Frances had a lighter in her bag…

Long story short:

2 Oasis Bottles + some Paper + some twigs + Fire =

Ah. if only i had a flamethrower and flare gun IRL…

(Expected Outcome)

Also on the way home , i got off the bus and saw this:

"just in case you forgot , you live in Essex!"

Finally , theres this which i found on youtube.

And for anyone who bought the game , thats where it’ll stay. Alone. Buried deep in a ditch somewhere.
The PC version anyway.

where do i start.

The monsters are kind of like those found in Condemned , only these ones are 10x more stupid , and 5x less aggresive. They lumber up to you without attacking , and then randomly sometimes they’ll jump forwards to attack you.

The graphics are pretty good , although the game seems verymuch unoptimized. I can’t run it at maximum settings without getting massive frame dips.

You can’t skip cutscenes.

Now here comes the meat of this minireview thing.

THE CONTROLS SUCK ASS.
This is the biggest understatement of the year.

There is nothing intuitive about the control system in this game , you thought Final Fantasy XI was bad? Yeah. You’re right. That was probably fucking worse.
Actually , come to think. This one is probably worse considering that its an action game wheras the majority of the controls in FFXI were just walking around and the occasional battle.

The problems started early in the game for me.
A segment which introduced fire to me.
Picking up the fire extinguisher was the easy part , however ‘Spraying’ the fire extinguisher took me about an hour to figure out – And only happened much later on in the game. The tutorial box thingy says BUTTON0 TO SPRAY THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
I hit left mouse button. My character swings the fire extinguisher round in a clockwise motion.
This goes on for about FIVE MINUTES. By which time the fire that was raging through the room has already died out on its own out of pity for me playing the game.
After walking through the fire and flames (LOL IM CROSS COME JOIN ME ON THE CIRKUT GUYS) i get to the next room where a man is begging me to break the door down.
BUTTON0 TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN.
To which i think to myself ‘you just told me the same button was to extinguish flames. Fucking game.’
I figure i can actually accomplish the door breaking down though , so i position myself in front of the door (harder than it sounds) and press left mouse button – expecting the character to swing the extinguisher forwards like a battering ram , like it said it would before.
Instead im presented with the same retarded clockwise spin attack from before. The HAV0K PHYSX kick in and my extinguisher bounces off the wall like a metal cylinder bouncing off a brick wall (havok physics is pretty amazing).
Right i thought to myself , the extinguisher hit the left part of the wall , so if i position myself to the right of the door , ill be fine!
I reposition.
I click left mouse button.

MOTHERFUCKER SWINGS ANTICLOCKWISE FROM RIGHT TO LEFT.
I alt F4.

Scenes like the one above happen approximately every 2 minutes in game , i was recently greeted by a parked car which i was supposed to break into.
SMASH THE WINDOW TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE CAR
Attacking has practically no effect other than denting the side of the car and not the windows. I ended up having to use my pistol to get in.
Once inside and mashing E , the dude starts trying to hotwire the car.
Zombies are dashing towards you , You see the wires in front of you.
No help , no nothing.
The only information you’re presented with is MOVE MOUSE TO MOVE WIRES and RIGHT CLICK TO SWITCH WIRES.
What the fuck am i supposed to do here? ive never hotwired a car before.

Oh , and then theres a nice driving sequence. And you KNOW that was fun.

Another issue i have with this game is the healing system. You need healing spray to.. uh.. heal.
Without which , you run around and die in 1 hit until you can find the healing spray – which you never do. As such you just end up plain stuck.

The game does do a few things well , the inventory combining system is very cool , celotaping glowsticks to enemies/ceilings and throwing around explosive sprays and bottles of petrol and whatever.

Endword – Everything the game does right is completely destroyed by the games horrible control system , and random gameplay bugs and flaws.
I didn’t spend any money obtaining this game , and tbh – i feel ripped off. (i think i had more fun playing mall tycoon 3)
It might be worth playing on 360 , but dont even think about installing it on PC.

(did i mention the 360 controller does not work with the game?)

Also. im pretty sure all the ‘regulars’ have already seen this through whatever (IRC / youtube friends etc)

but here it is for everyone else (godknows how many people view this blog)

Jeez. what a boring day.

Went out to romford to buy stuff for uni.

Ended up buying a pot , a wok , bowl and 2 plates , a bunch of cutlery , a basket for toiletries and probably some other shit too that i cant remember.

Had a Chicken legend from McD’s , salsa version.
Was pretty nice , 10x better than the shitty dark knight burger i had the other day.
oh , we also tried the spring roll things they’re doing. Avoid. They dont taste too bad , but they arent crunchy/crispy at all like spring rolls are supposed to be. instead they are all soggy/floppy like some of the mcdonald chips.

Nothing particuarly major happened after this.
Went home , played some TF2 , watched some Bleach , read some Fairy Tail , found out my CnC3 was corrupted :(

I thought id try playing Doom 3 , since i never even came close to completing it.
Shit is DARK. and CREEPY.
Like wow. even in Quake 4 you could have a flashlight on the end of your assault rifle, but needing to bring out the flashlight on its own? really?
Especially when the game is pitch black 95% of the time

what the fuck is this shit

Seriously? The game then becomes See where the enemies are VS being able to shoot the enemies
Unless you’re a big fan of melee’ing demon fireball motherfuckers with your torch.

I think that more or less sums up my day.
Oh. i cracked open the box of haribo too. Fizzy Cherries are beast.

So yesterday i went to Hastings to visit family and such , although before we went there , we went to Costcos

Costco’s is great , or at least ,its the only place i know of that sells 2kg boxes of Haribo tangfastics. (for like £5 a box.)
Yum.

I also went to burger king , and tried the ‘dark double whopper’ thing that they have going on , to promote the batman film. Im not just saying this as another way of saying ‘BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT IS OVERRATED’. The dark double whopper genuinely sucks ass. It has no flavour , and isnt even as peppery as advertised. Its just a big burger which is almost like a double whopper , but without the taste. Avoid.
its also like £5 for a dark double whopper meal , of which i could have bought another box of haribo.

The rest of the day was spent walking around hastings and such. Turns out they have a COSMO restaurant there on the seafront.

I also had a mint choc icecream , played some time crisis 4 , and bought a kite.

On an unrelated note , heres a 2 pictures taken on the 23rd.

First is a squirly trying to climb up my leg.

Second is…

Personally , i dont think id buy anything from a shop called Brown-Steins.
Which is probably why its closed down.

(also , the shop next to it is called ‘Lots of Rice’)

Mediocre at best , although in all honesty i dont really know why i disliked it so much.

Fight scenes seemed really slow and clunky , which i suppose is to be expected given hellboy’s physique. It was almost like watching the incredible hulk fighting the incredible hulk with the final battle being the incredible hulk vs that bloke from ninja gaiden.

The story was , well. pure shit imho.

Too many talking scenes and such.

Whoever wrote the script was clearly trying too hard to make hellboy seem like a huge ass , which in turn makes him look like someone pretending to be a huge ass.

She’s preggers. With hellboys child. Creepy.

THE PICTURE ABOVE IS A SPOILER.

also. twins.

(double spoil’d)

I wonder what a hellcock even looks like.
ps. He’s horny. LOL GEDDIT COZ HE HAS HORNS!

Moving swiftly on.

Seriously. Way to be abso-fuckin-useless for 2 hours.

Oh wow. are you for real?

Most amazing page of a manga ever

And you thought that English adverts made no sense.

one more :

Who the fuck calls their kids philip anyway , look what appears on google images when you put Philip in.

http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=philip&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=N&tab=wi

you know what they all have in common? they all look GAY. Do you want your children to be gay? No? Don’t call them Philip then.

On another note : lol jade goody , pwned?