Worlds worst employee award

So recently my workplace has recruited some new employees due to being short of staff , as you may have already sussed out via the title , they are all fucking useless goddamned liabilities.

For those who are not aware , my job (and consequently , theirs) is to go around and pick up customers used plates / cutlery / glasses and take it to the kitchen , take orders ,bring out drinks from the bar or wipe down tables and set cutlery on them. Its not the hardest job in the world , in my opinion anyway , of course… it would appear that not everyone sees things the same way I do

I’d like to mention at this point that I do not actually know any of their names although I have personally given them all nicknames in my head. Now , on to the contenders.

‘Plain useless’

Equipped with quite possibly the most stereotypical look of an early twenties Chinese girl , she is – as the nickname suggests , plain fucking useless. She excels at INTENSE tasks such as wiping tables , which is rather oddly all I saw her doing in the space of a 5 and a half hour shift.

Obviously , she also does not know any English so I cant even bitch at her to do things.

At one point during the night I was with her and we had to set a table for 11 people , now the table already had been set up for 10 people (long table , 5×1 with 2 per table) and had an extra chair at the end of the table, I turned to useless. “eleven people.” I spoke slooooowwwllyy in hope her small brain would be able to comprehend. She nods. Huzzah! Perhaps she’s not so useless after all! I set up the table by myself and she stands there staring into space. With the last set of cutlery in my hand to place at the empty chair at the end of the table I get called away to do something which requires slightly more skill , I pass the cutlery to useless and point to the end of the table where the empty chair is and walk off.
Minute later she returns to me , cutlery still in hand.
“i…uh…there is already two” she says , pointing at the 2 sets of cutlery set up… on a table surrounded by 3 chairs.
I resist the urge to headbutt her and instead put the cutlery down myself.
Useless bitch.

‘Period pain girl’

Aptly named because she always has a grimace on her face.
I shit you not. Her face is actually moulded into the typical internet DEE COLON face D: , albeit with slightly more teeth showing on the top side.
Now… I don’t smile much admittantly , but a fucking D: ?

There are a few times when one is allowed to make that sort of face for periods of longer than half an hour.

1. Mike Tyson just uppercutted you in the stomach
2. You just got stabbed , and Mike Tyson uppercutted you in the stomach.

Worth noting that she is also pretty damn useless , although not as useless as ‘useless’ documented above or as useless as…

‘Princess’ (Chinese Paris Hilton)

You may consider yourself to be in the wrong line of work if you’re allergic to animals and find yourself as a zookeeper. Quite similar to being afraid of leftover food where your job practically revolves around picking up plates of other peoples food.

Anyone who has been to where I work will have seen that the staff who work there will easily take about 8 plates at a time , and balance them on their hands , wrists , arms, stomachs , shoulders etc .(for example today I saw somebody balance coins on the back of their hand whilst taking drinks to the bar , that was extreme.) Not princess of course. Who uses a full two hands per one plate , holding it firmly by the sides and walking with her arms outstretched as far as she can. Upon reaching the kitchen and dropping off the plates , she quickly takes out a tissue and thoroughly (I mean it.) wipes down her hands , god forbid any molecules of food be on her at any time.

Actual usefulness seems limited of course , as she can’t sweep worth shit either , and sweeping is hardly the most difficult thing in the world.

Note to self : You started work on september 7th 07