Getting angry at Indie Games Vol.1

With no big games to play, most of the releases I see recently are indie games  So i thought, why not criticise some!

Featured in this batch, The Weaponographist, Home is where one starts and Dev guy.

The Weaponographist

Weaponographist 2015-05-16 20-48-26-69

Weaponographist is like one of those abysmal phone games you download because it’s free, and then promptly uninstall because it’s fucking awful – That, except this game is actually on steam and retailing for £7. SEVEN FUCKING POUNDS. Presumedly majority of the steam reviews are paid or by developer family and friends, because it’s actually sitting on ‘positive’ right now with thirtysomething reviews but oh god. It’s so bad.
It’s like an endless dungeon crawler but with enemies that spawn around you… and that’s it. You just go from one room to room, kill randomly spawning enemies for a few minutes, then a door opens up and you go into the next room and do the same fucking thing until you die of boredom or exit the game. Should you decide to go back to town you can upgrade your weapons or hero so that next time you go into the dungeon you can kill randomly spawning enemies even faster. The art is meh, and enemies have about 3 frames of animation each, the music is abysmal. I feel sorry for anyone that actually purchases this game at full price.

This is, by far, the worst thing I have played this year.

Approximate Game Length : Depends on your autism spectrum, but generally less than 15 minutes.
Actual Worth / Steam Price: £0 / £7 = Infinity
Should you play it : Fuck no.

Rating: 1 / 5

 

Home is where one starts

HomeStarts 2015-05-17 22-33-07-00

On it’s steam page, Home is where one starts actually has the words ‘gone home’ and ‘dear esther’ in it’s description – which if im brutally honest, is a massive slap in the face to those two aforementioned games. HIWOS is an awful video game, infact even as a walking simulator, it’s shit. It’s key features are it’s short nature and hooo boy, do you get THAT in spades.
You spawn into a sparsely detailed, small area, filled with repeating assets, flat textures and invisible walls a-plenty, and can sidle around and ‘explore’, even though there’s pretty much fuck all to actually explore and look at. There’s a small trailer behind you which doesn’t even seem well laid out as far as trailer architecture goes, there are a few low poly, low detail items littered about the place, and every now and then you get a prompt to pick up an item – where you will promptly put it down because it’s yet another low poly, low detail piece of shit with no storytelling elements attached at all. Sweet, look at this shitty book I found in her room, with it’s one repeating 128×128 texture on the back of it, no title on the front of the book, and text so small it’s impossible to read, whoop de fucking do. The game’s only saving grace is the one track which plays in the background, and the voiceover narration which stirs up on rare occasion.

I take back what I said about weaponographer, THIS is the worst thing i’ve played this year. (though at least it’s not being sold at £7 I guess)

ps. Just about everyone on the steam reviews that voted positive must be a pretentious dickbag

Approximate Game Length : About 15 minutes
Actual Worth / Steam Price: £0 / £2 = Infinity
Should you play it : Not even worth the bandwidth, let alone the price.

Rating: 1 / 5

 

Dev Guy

Dev Guy 2015-05-22 09-41-06-48

Dev guy is a really shit adventure game on steam right now, the graphics you see above is pretty much the peak of what you get – I think I could literally create a better looking game myself. The story goes you lost your game code and so have to hack into other dev’s computers and steal theirs, each time playing the game they have made – and oh my fucking lord these games are shit. It’s supposedly a half hour game but my god I just couldnt, it was so bad. At the very least I suppose, it’s self aware that it’s bad, and doesn’t try to charge for the experience.

Forget what I said about Home is where one starts, THIS is the worst thing i’ve played this year (Though at least it’s not being sold for £2 I guess)

Approximate Game Length : About half an hour
Actual Worth / Steam Price: £0 / £0 = Free!
Should you play it : Please no more.

Rating: 1 / 5