Back in June, I picked up a chilli plant from our nearby garden centre, it was cheap, only maybe £4 or so – it was pretty tiny too with only a handful of leaves and standing about 5 inches tall. I named him Sting, because he was allegedly a Trinidad Scorpion breed. Chilli aficionados may recognise the name, it’s one of the spiciest peppers on earth with a scoville rating in the millions, scotch bonnets go to around 350k, and those small Thai birds eye chillis are rated less than 100k.
Roll on 2 months and he began flowering and producing tiny green chilli’s, and within the next month those green chilli’s started ripening and turning a gorgeous shade of red. The other day, I thought i’d try eating one for the first time, I picked a tiny red one and chopped it up incredibly finely – 1cm slivers and put it on the side of some chicken, rice and cucumber (a poor mans hainanese chicken rice). I was surprised when I cut it open that there were no seeds, I’ve always heard that the seeds are the spicy part, so I kind of assumed my home grown chilli was going to be quite mild.
Turns out, I was really fucking wrong.
Machismo got the better of me and I grabbed 2 slivers of the chilli and put it into my mouth.
I literally didn’t even chew, it just landed on my tongue – the heat was instantaneous, and intense.
“Nope nope nope”, I spat the chilli’s into a tissue and drank some cold water which I had on standby, it did nothing, the burn was incredibly strong, I ran to the kitchen and ended up head under the tap, just washing my mouth out for an agonizing 5 minutes, the middle of my tongue touched the top of my mouth at some point and I started coughing, that spot on the roof of my mouth would quickly develop a blister.
The burning wouldn’t stop, as soon as I would come out from under the tap, the heat would intensify again, like one of those joke candles which reignite, I ended up eating about a third of a cucumber (which did help) before returning to the dinner table 10 minutes later.
Easily the most insane spice I’ve ever had in my life, and completely inedible as far as i’m concerned. Cordelia tried to brave through it by taking single slivers and embedding it in huge scoops of rice/cucumber without chewing and she said she could still feel the intense heat, she would end up having stomach pains later the next day.
At this point, there are about 20 more of these chilli’s on the plant, and they are WAY BIGGER than the one I tried eating. I honestly have no idea what to do with them? I may as well be growing anthrax pods. The only uses I can think of right now are:
– I finely chop one and put it into a cupcake, and then do cupcake russian roulette where someone dies for real.
– Chop and mix one with cat food, leave it outside (that’ll stop them from shitting in our garden)
– Somethingsomething pepper spray?